


Colorful

by blakesparkles



Series: How Far We've Come [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Hux thinks too much, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It's Okay, Just....so many feelings, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Sequel to Just The Usual, Slice of Life, Smut, This is not as heavy as it sounds hopefully, im just taking precautions okay?, so u must have read that one before, trust me here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-08 05:00:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6840055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blakesparkles/pseuds/blakesparkles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something is different in his apartment. Life can be heard.</p><p>*Sequel to Just The Usual*</p>
            </blockquote>





	Colorful

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hello. I bring you a little more of this universe I care so much about. I felt like putting some thoughts down and I really hope you guys enjoy this sequel! Proceed with caution, please. I don't want to trigger anyone. I made a playlist for it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQNiK2dQvT0&list=PL6XgzmiBk09Gid8FOmFGOnFnm9hMXR9jr&index=1

Hux wakes up to the smell of coffee.

A sigh escapes his lips and he stretches his slender body. He touches the new curtain hanging in the window and he blinks a couple of times when the light peeks through. The sky is blue today and people are walking through the streets on their way to work.

The bones of his body are heavier than usual, but he forces himself to get up. The wooden floor is cold under his bare feet.

Something is different in his apartment. Life can be heard. New scents. Another pair of feet making the floor creak, another breath of life. He follows the sounds after brushing his teeth and washing his face.

“G’morning.” It’s Ren in the kitchen. He’s making pancakes on his day off.

Hux hums a reply, needing his coffee first to start a new day. He pours some into his white mug while rubbing his left eye and drinks it. Ren finishes the pancakes, places them on two plates, and kisses Hux’s forehead.

They eat quietly on the couch. It is a new one that the brunet helped to choose. Not fancy, just comfortable enough for both of them.

It’s been three months since that Saturday morning they shared. In the second month, Hux felt it was okay to ask the other to live with him. It didn’t make much of a difference to their routine to be honest, for Ren was already present a great deal.

“We have a mission,” Ren declares when they finish breakfast. Hux is washing the plates and Ren is leaning in the small counter by his side. Hux frowns.

“A mission?”

“Yes, general.”

“Did you just call me g-”

“General, we have no time for that. You’re needed in the garage section, but first, go take a shower. Get dressed.”

Hux frown intensifies when he dries his hands on a dish towel. Saying his partner is acting weird would be an understatement. Choosing not to discuss it, the ginger man shakes his head and leaves to shower.

Thoughts of how far they’ve come cross the bridge of his mind while the water drops hit his porcelain skin. He thinks how caring and patient Ren has been with him. There were moments the brunet held tears in his dark eyes because he didn’t know what to do to bring his Hux back to reality.

But there were also moments Hux would like to keep playing like a movie. The way their hands lock together, the soft movement of Ren’s hair against a cold breeze, lips and heartbeat singing in sync. The same air in their lungs.

Little things they can only cherish together.

Hux puts on some light jeans and a black long-sleeved shirt. His wet hair is pulled back. He chooses to wear his glasses today and goes to meet Ren in the building’s garage.

The brunet is resting his back against the car when he sees him, throwing the keychain in the air and catching it. It is a black ‘58 Chevy Impala he earned from his grandfather. It’s covered with band stickers and there’s a bunch of stuff in the back seat, instead of being in the trash where it belongs. Hux rolls his eyes; he really doesn’t like that car. It’s an atrocity.

“Where are we going?” he asks when they get inside. Ren makes the beast come to life and a song of Twenty One Pilots starts playing. Hux will end up hurting his eyes if he continues to roll them that hard.

“That information is classified, my dear general.”

“Please, quit calling me ‘general’?”

“Nope.”

Hux sighs, defeated.

It takes less than six songs to arrive at the location and Hux’s deeply thankful because he cannot handle another one. He sees, when they park, that the place is a pet shop.

“Ren, why are we here? What are we doing?”

“You woke up full of questions today.” He smirks when Hux glares at him. “You’re going to choose a pet today.”

“But w-”

“Hux.” He takes his hand. Ren is so warm. “Trust me, okay?”

The man in glasses stares at their hands.  _ Memorize, Hux. Memorize these details. _

“Fine.” 

Once inside, the bell above the door rings and a strong smell of dog food reaches their nostrils. They keep their hold on each other until Ren asks the employee if they can go to the back of the shop, where the kennel is. Hux sees animals left and right. Their loud happy sounds of seeing humans makes him flinch for a moment.

Ren tells him to go ahead while he gets distracted with a black retriever. It’s tail going crazy once Ren pets him. Hux looks around.

He reaches the end of the kennel and he’s about to tell Ren to forget about this idea when he notices an orange blur in the last corner. The kennel he’s staring at has a lot of cats, meowing and playing with one another. However, the orange blur is very little and quiet. It has delicate stripes.

It opens its sleepy eyes and looks at him. Hux hums expecting them to be blue, but hazel eyes look into his. Just like Ren’s. He crouches and makes a movement to call it. When it gathers enough courage to get up, its tiny pink nose touches Hux’s hand and even he cannot deny how cute this animal actually is.

“Ren.”

“Yeah?” The brunet comes to his side and asks the employee if Hux can pick up the cat.

Hux holds the kitty; it’s just a little bigger than the palm of his hand. Its fur is very soft and it just stays there, purring when he scratches its ear. Hux doesn’t notice the lovely way Ren is looking at them but he smiles when he hears: 

“We’ll take it.”

 

☁

 

A few weeks go by. They learn the kitty is a female and they finally managed to find good terms with this new feline roommate. Cat toys can be found all around the tiny apartment. Hux decided to call her Millicent, and she’s very calm, very sweet. Kylo tells him they’re perfect together and the latter always huffs at that. Cats are very independent. They’re free, in a way. She could get along in the world without him just fine. That’s what he thinks, at least.

Sometimes he’d like to feel free.

Not that he’s trapped with Kylo. No. He doesn’t mean anything negative related to his personal giant. The ginger man thinks about that more like… Get in the car and just  _ go. _

Anywhere.

Just go away and don’t have any plans, or fears of not having  _ any  _ plans  _ at all  _ in the first place _. _ Just feel the wind hitting his porcelain face, hear the faint sound of Millie’s soft snoring, Kylo singing along with the music playing on the old car radio, and see the colors of their lives blending with the car wheels at their backs.

Is that too much to ask?

Hux sighs and looks out the window next to him. He is alone. Kylo left for work a few hours ago, in the morning, so he has his book file open. It is nearly over, but he can’t seem to find the perfect ending for his character yet. Hux loses track of his thoughts, head still in the window’s direction, but eyes not quite focusing in anything in particular. Feeling like Atlas himself; the world on his back. 

There are moments he catches himself feeling completely fine. Kylo does that to him. The brunet makes his personal demons stay in the back of his head, a faint whisper. A small scratch in his skull. The kiss of a ghost on the back of his neck. Still, when he does catch such emotions, it makes him wonder if he should truly feel them. Is he worthy of feeling the colors Kylo brings to his white canvas? Isn’t he a mere grey dot in this galaxy full of stars? 

He shakes his head, knowing this will do him no good. He closes his computer and stands up to get a jacket and boots. He thinks going to see Ren might make him feel better, and he makes sure Millicent has food before leaving through the old white door.  _ Distract yourself,  _ he thinks,  _ don’t let your thoughts unzip your veins.  _

The brunet is serving people when he arrives in front of the cafe. Kylo’s hair is still pulled back in the bun Hux had done it for him that morning, the pink elastic band one that Ren took it from Phasma a long time ago. Hux huffs at the silly memory. 

He sits at his usual table and watches the crowd. A guy arrives on a bike and walks inside the cafe. There’s a group of old men chatting, close to the cafe door. They have always been there as long as Hux remembers. A woman with her child crosses the street with a closed umbrella. There is another group of people having a discussion about clocks, because apparently one of them needs a new one, and the others are happily recommending ideas.

An annoying music plays in the background, not Hux’s taste at all. It is a pop song that doesn’t suit the atmosphere of the place, despite its low volume. It still feels like the singer is screaming at Hux’s ears and he foresees a migraine coming. 

He waits there, watching the colors people leave on the street, waiting for Kylo. He rubs his left eye, the long sleeve from his jacket scratching his soft face. He’s tired and he feels a little lost. Like he’s losing time by not doing anything. Even though it’s alright not doing something.

Kylo notices him after half an hour, when the orders start to slow down. He frowns in a funny way, as if asking  _ Hey, what are you doing here?,  _ and waves at Hux. His shift will end soon and the ginger man just can’t wait to go home with him. He can’t  _ stand  _ being alone in that small apartment anymore. It is suffocating.

They kiss when Kylo comes to him. Kylo hugs him warmly, happy to have him there but saying he didn’t have to wait for him and should be at home, out of the cold. Hux tries to laugh and half answers, saying he just misses him. That’s not a lie.

They walk side by side on their way home. Hux looks down at their hands, holding each other. He rests his head on Kylo’s shoulder and closes his eyes, taking his scent. Green apple and fresh coffee. 

He thinks about that car ride and how the light would hit his face through the car window, making the orange color kiss his eyelids.

  
  


☁

 

Hux can’t sleep. Anxiety embraces his body and thoughts eat his mind. They settle down like spiders making their webs, spreading their poison through his thin veins.

He looks at Ren, sleeping peacefully next to him. Lips ajar, messy hair. The light from the cars reaches his cheek from time to time, even through the curtain. A view only for Hux to see. Frankly, sometimes he wonders how someone like Ren can deal with such darkness coming from him. What did Hux do to deserve such beautiful colors in his life? Nothing.

The ginger man hovers his hand over Ren’s face, contouring the strong features with small grace. Fingers follow the shape of his long nose and cheekbones. Hux stops over the mouth, feels hot air coming out of it. A sign of life. Ren’s is  _ alive _ and _ warm. _

_ Memorize these details, Hux. Memorize these details. _

He moves to get up and he’s thankful for the brunet’s heavy sleep, because he needs to pass over him to leave the bed. When he goes to the front door, he puts his boots on but doesn’t get a jacket to protect himself from the cold.

It’s late into the night, although Hux doesn’t remember the actual time. The street is quiet. His steps echo against the dirty pavement, a sandpaper sound.

He thinks of Milli and how curled up she must be, enjoying the warmth of her bed. The coffee table, with dry circles of their drinks resting on the wood. He thinks about Ren’s pancakes when he has the day off and how domestic he really is. So odd coming from a man like him, yet extremely endearing.

He thinks of his mother. Her remains resting underground in a forgotten cemetery he stopped visiting years ago. Hux remembers how it used to look beautiful in the spring, an odd contrast to the misery that lies under the graves. Her face is blurred in his mind, but he can almost feel her hands braiding his long hair from when he was a kid. The same hands that cleaned his face after being beat up by bullies in high school. Delicate hands that also made pancakes with blueberries. 

He misses her.

His feet take him to a small bridge. A laugh would come out of Hux’s lips if he wasn’t so tired. His finger twitches and misses the cigarettes.There’s running water below and Hux climbs a bar; leans his body to look down. Feels the breeze hit his hair. An icy layer forms on his face like a mask. His breath forms a cloud in midair and he pretends it is from the white object he used to put between his lips.

The scars on his non-dominant arm shine in the moonlight and the ethereal stars judge him from above, flickering as if there’s a hidden message to look for. Everyone is sleeping in their warm beds, pillows filled with dreams and colors. Drowning in hope.

Hux could jump right now and no one would stop him. The world would continue to spin, flowers would grow around his mother’s grave, Ren would move on at some point and the sun would rise again.

He could do it.

He could do it.

But he won’t. Not because he lacks the courage. Not because he’s afraid. This is not a joke, he has tried twice already. Perhaps the idea that it’s something he  _ can _ do, and he has the power to make the choice, is what fascinates him. There’s a rope around his neck and only  _ he _ can decide if he’ll kick the chair away. It just happens that, sometimes, he slips for a moment.

A water drop falls onto his face. It is raining. Ren will be upset if he catches a cold, but he can’t bring himself to move. He continues to stare below.

When the rain sings too loud, like bees buzzing around his ears and like a static noise from a tv, he decides it is for the best to go home. Small ponds make splashing sounds when his boots hit the ground. His reflection in them makes him squint his eyes, like he has been burned. 

He doesn’t take the elevator. He soaks the stairway and the hallway’s carpet. When he opens the door, Millicent is awake and meowing madly. Like she demands an explanation for his absence. He caresses her fur and mumbles an apology. The light of their room is switched on.

“Hux? Is that you?!” comes Ren’s voice in a worried tone. “What the hell happened?! I woke up and you weren’t here, you didn’t take your phone! I was about to search for you, o-or call the damn police!”

He watches Ren from across the room. He’s shirtless, wearing only sweatpants. Hux removes his boots and curls his fingers as if it’ll help to stop the cold. Water drops hits the wooden floor. The stars also glow in the moonlight from here. 

“I’m…”

He can’t finish. A lump forms in his throat. There’s a pressure within his chest and he’s afraid that if he opens his mouth too much, he’ll vomit the illusive water of depression until he can’t breathe anymore. So he opts to go towards Ren and hug him with all the strength he has left. 

“Hey.” The latter doesn’t even hesitate to wrap his arms around him. Hux can tell Ren’s trying to look at his face, but he hides even more and refuses to look up. He feels sorry to soak Ren now. He can’t do anything right, can he?

“Hey, hey… Hux, look at me…” He caresses Hux’s hair and that makes him sob. And he’s afraid to cry because he might not be able to stop, but it keeps coming and coming. Millicent looks at them, trying to understand the situation. “Okay, it’s okay.”

He brings them down, sitting on the floor, and Hux’s thankful for that because his knees are weak. Milli finds herself a place on Hux’s lap when the brunet pulls him between his legs. The ginger man tightens his hold around Ren’s waist and he pours his soul.

The apartment makes no sound, only Hux’s weeping and the rain outside is heard. At one point, Hux notices that Ren is also crying. His shoulders tense and his tears falling quietly. It feels like hours have passed when Hux’s sobs start to slow down.

Without saying anything, Ren slowly pulls them up. Millicent protests and leaves for their bedroom. Hux is too exhausted, vision blurred just like his mother’s face, so he just follows Ren. He takes them to the bathroom and prepares the bath tub.

“Here, let’s take your clothes off.” His voice is soft and low, he’s trying to calm Hux down. It’s not the first time Hux has stripped in front of Ren. This time, however, there is nothing sexual about it. It is more intimate than that.

The brunet also gets rid of his clothes, though he wasn’t wearing much to begin with. They get in the bathtub and the warm water makes Hux sigh. He’s freezing and shaking. Ren picks up a washcloth and starts rubbing Hux’s back, then his arms. Gently taking the spiderwebs away.

Once they are done and Ren dries them off, he takes Hux to the bedroom. Milli is asleep on the corner. Ren gives him clean boxers before they settle in bed. The room smells of soap and Kylo Ren.

When they’re finally tucked in, Ren speaks. “Hux… As much as I’d like for you to tell me what’s going on in there…” He touches his forehead. “I want you to know that’s it’s okay to not tell me. You… You have to feel comfortable… But please, do not let any thought eat you. I am terrified. I don’t want to lose you, Hux.” 

Hux can’t look at Kylo’s eyes. Instead, he stares at the sheet. It is white and soft. _ Why is there so much white in this apartment?  _ He’s afraid if he speaks, his voice will fail him and crack. So he nods, feels the burning edges in his eyes left by the tears. He hates that. He hates the feeling after crying. It’s a numb sensation, sore eyes no matter how many times you wash your face in the bathroom sink. He hates it.

Kylo pulls him closer, embraces him. Hux’s head tucked beneath Kylo’s shadow. He’s caressing his hair and his back lightly. Hux holds onto him. Literally and mentally. He can’t help feeling guilty about causing such distress for his lover. He doesn’t want anyone to feel that. Is he going to become another annoyance in Kylo’s life? 

_ God, stop thinking. Why don’t you ever stop thinking, Hux? _

He’s not sure if he thought that in his mother’s voice. 

“Hux?”

“Mm?” He looks up, finally looking at Kylo’s gaze. He looks sad. Hux thinks he might look sad too.

Kylo presses their lips together, a light mark of love. “Go to sleep. You _ need  _ sleep. I’m taking a day off tomorrow.”

Hux wants to protest. Ren shouldn’t skip work to be with him. This is not appropriate. But Kylo just pulls him back again, not wanting Hux to reply. There’s that feeling of non-reality hitting his mind. A breath that carries a lot more meanings than it actually should. He feels his eyelids betray him, a sensation of sand under them. It is exhaustion saying hello.

He tightens his grip on the brunet’s waist, and his beating heart is what sends Hux to sleep.

 

☁

 

There is a bird in his dream.

He cannot place exactly where he is, but when he looks at his hands, he sees a tiny bird. It’s missing a foot and its wings are wet. It cannot fly away and Hux feels he  _ needs _ to make it fly away. He nudges its body, making sure it’s alive. Hux stretches its wing as much as he can. He yells, asking why is it not flying. Why is it not flying?  _ Why is it not flying? _

He wakes up with a gasp, heart beating too fast in the gray morning. Kylo pulls his elbow, calling his attention. He’s saying something, but he can’t make it out the words. Hux closes his eyes, covers his ears, trying to regain focus. The dream too real behind his eyes, leaving a horrible taste in his mouth. 

He misses his mother.

“Hux.”

“I’m fine…” He lowers his hands, they feel heavier. His heart is going back to its usual rate and he rubs his eyes, shaking the dream away. It still clings to him. “I need coffee…”

Kylo looks at him for a long moment. Hux thinks he’s probably questioning his sanity and Hux tries to make himself smaller. _Please, don’t feel pity for me._ _I don’t want pity._

“Okay.” The brunet says and leaves the bed in a slow movement, as if not wanting to break the cracked mirror that lies next to him. 

While he waits for Kylo, he pushes the curtain away to look down at the street. There are still some puddles here and there. He doesn’t remember what day of the week it is. There’s a sense of embarrassment lingering in his mind, feeling sorry for causing so much pain for Kylo. He feels the smell of coffee touching the apartment and soon, Kylo walks in with their mugs. The curtain falls into place. It is too thin.

Hux accepts the mug and takes a sip from the drink. Kylo places himself behind Hux so he can hug his waist, leaning on the old bed frame. The brunet kisses his right shoulder lightly and Hux closes his eyes.  _ Memorize. _

He turns to look at Ren, his eyes forming small half-moons with smooth wrinkles, a sign that time has touched his face. He’s looking at the man that makes the stars show up in Hux’s sky. “Thank you.” He says at last. “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.”

“Hux…”

“I speak the truth. I truly wouldn’t be here, breathing in this small room, if I didn’t have you.’’ Kylo rubs his forehead to Hux’s shoulder. “Thank you for what you did last night, Ren.”

The brunet nods quietly and he kisses Hux’s cheek. “I’d do anything for you, Hux. Anything.”

Hux smiles softly and a comfortable silence falls like a blanket. They drink their warm coffee, apparently having a lazy morning. No rush to face the world today.

“I remembered we used to go to the beach when I was a kid.” Hux says out of the blue in a low voice, stares at the dark drink warming his hand not quite like Kylo’s warmth. The brunet makes no objections to stop Hux, so he rests his head to Kylo’s chest. “My mother once pulled me out of the sea because I had stepped on glass. She was so worried… I don’t remember where my father was, but she put me on top of a table and removed the piece of glass from my foot. I have that scar on my right foot…” He drinks and a dry laugh comes out of him. ‘’Funny. I don’t know why I remembered that.”

Kylo is silent for a few seconds, but then he hums and Hux feels his voice on his skin. “I fell off a swing when I was… what? Ten years old? My father kept telling me to not swing too hard but hey, you know me.” He smiles when Hux huffs. “I scratched my left knee.”

Hux touches the small scar there and imagines a ten-year-old Kylo crying over something like this. A sign of time brushing their lives. They’ve been through so many things and yet, here they are.  _ Here we are _ , he thinks. Kylo is breathing and so is he. The small man thinks he should take everything at a slow pace, his  _ own _ pace. Otherwise he’ll be overwhelmed with the world and nothing good will come out of that.

The face of his mother comes to his mind when he closes his eyes. He can see it now. But it’s a scared expression, from that day he tried to fly away for good. He can see the orange bottles on the bathroom floor of his childhood house and his mother’s wide green eyes.

They stay in bed for most of the day, both of them not feeling up to being productive and just wanting to drift through time together.

 

☁

 

Hux finds himself in the bathtub. He doesn’t remember getting inside of it. There’s lukewarm water touching his pale skin that almost matches the porcelain tub. He blinks slowly a few times, wet eyelashes kissing his freckles. His pupils are dilated. The tips of his fingers are wrinkly, meaning he’s been there for awhile now. He has his chin resting on his knees, exposing them to the cold air above the water.

The water drops falling from his hair to his neck tickle and they’re the only soft noise in the bathroom.  _ Drip. Drip.  _ He looks around and sees a sponge floating on his left, old foam fading away. He thinks he used it to rub his arms, because they are red and sensitive. His scars show more than the usual, screaming their presence. It burns. 

On the right side, where the toilet and sink are, he sees his bottle of Prozac on the floor. It judges him from the ceramic tile.  _ Did I take more than one...? _ , he thinks. Hux feels drowsy and his mouth is dry. He can’t remember much of what he did, his arms feel strange. He stares at his hands and can’t exactly wrap his mind around the idea that this is his body. He focus on breathing, in and out. In and out. In and out. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

His heart is beating. Good. He has a heart.  _ I have a heart. _ It pumps blood through his weak veins that have had meetings with razors many times. He closes his eyes with strength, enough to see colorful dots like the awful screen of a tv, and he leans against the bathtub. The ginger man sinks his head underwater.

Hux doesn’t hear the creak of the bathroom door opening. With his eyes still closed, he sees a shadow cast above him. Artificial light blocked by the figure. When his emerald eyes show themselves to the room, he sees Ren. The brunet’s face distorted by the waves of water, a black and white blur to Hux. He looks at him, but doesn’t move until Ren pulls him softly by the back of his neck. Hux sucks in air with difficulty, a small scratching sound while his lungs work.  _ Did I stay underwater for too long? _

“Hux.” He has the bottle in his hands and he shakes it, trying to catch the other’s attention. “How many did you take?”

Hux stays gazing at the man above him, the light from the bathroom forming an aura around Ren.  _ Beautiful _ , he thinks. _ How was such a creature born in this messy world? _ He wants to touch the brunet’s cheek, feel the smooth skin covered by moles, but he doesn’t dare to move. He’s afraid to break him, too. Instead, he waits to crumble into dust and go down the drain. Nothing happens though, so he shrugs.

“I don’t know.”  _ But I know it wasn’t enough _ is left unsaid.

Ren purses his lips. He puts the bottle in its usual place by the sink, and leaves the bathroom. Door ajar. The light bulb hurts Hux’s eyes and it flickers. The water is cold and he feels excruciatingly,  _ devastatingly _ empty.

 

☁

 

“Don’t leave me!” Hux bursts the words from where he’s sitting, next to the small dinner table. Ren was about to open the apartment door, but his hand froze on the door knob. He was heading to work. It is a Wednesday and every time Ren leaves the apartment, Hux feels like he’s not coming back. This thought has been making itself at home in Hux’s brain for days, since the brunet left that cold bathroom with unspoken words. Hux feels like he messed up something. He thinks Ren is getting tired of him, that he’ll disappear at any time and Hux feels sick.  _ Please, don’t disappear. _

He’s wearing one of Ren’s sweatshirts that is too big for him. It is dark blue and the long sleeves almost entirely cover his hands, only the tip of his fingers can be seen. Hux fidgets, opens and closes his hands, pulls the sweatshirt down, and tries to look smaller in the wooden chair. Ren turns to look at him, confused. Hand still on the door knob.

Hux wishes he had Millicent in his arms, so he’ll have something to do and stall for time. But the orange ball of fur is sleeping on top of his computer, in their bedroom. So he sighs the anxiety out of his chest and squeezes his eyes. 

“Please…” He says quietly this time. A broken whisper. “I can’t handle this.”

Ren steps away from the door, getting closer to Hux and the redhead covers his face. Rubs his eyes and drags his hands down, trying to take the invisible dust off his body. There are red lines under his eyes due lack of sleep and he feels sore.

The tall man kneels in front of Hux, puts his arms on top of his thighs so he can touch Hux’s waist. “I’m not going to leave you. I’d never do that, Hux.”

The ginger groans, a bubble of irritation forming in his chest. He clenches his teeth and a thousand thoughts cross his mind. He closes his eyes.

“You can’t be sure of that, Ren! No one can! My mother left me for good, my father hated me from the start. He saw my flaws and told me I was weak, a fool, a mistake. The few friends I had always took advantaged of me and I was tired of being beaten up. I always disappoint everyone around me. I remember the look of my mother’s face when I came home one day, covered in bruises, and I just cut all my hair because I was  _ so _ tired! And when I tried to… when I… Goddamnit, I was so  _ tired _ , Ren!  _ So tired! _ I’ll disappoint you too, if I haven’t already, and you’ll leave. You’ll leave and I’ll be alone again and alone and alone and al-”

“Hux!” Ren holds his head with both hands, shakes him to bring him back. Hux opens his eyes, they’re wet. The brunet knit his eyebrows, a solemn expression. “I am  _ not _ going to leave you. I know this with every fiber of my body because I love you, no matter how hard it gets. I won’t give up at the sign of any difficult path, that shit happens. You have to be strong.”

“What did you say?” Hux’s eyes get wide and he holds his breath. Ren’s thumbs brushes his tears away. “You said love me?”

Ren half sob and chuckles. “Of course I do, you idiot. I’m completely in love with my general.”

Hux huffs between sore eyes. What a goddamn mess they are. He pushes the hair of his lover away from his face, memorizes the moving waves of the strands. A dark sky. He wishes it wasn’t so hard to believe someone loves him. That he can be adored despite the many cracks he has. There’s a pressure on his chest, it hurts to breathe.  

Ren kisses him, their lips move in sync and Hux sighs. The brunet’s hand caresses his hair, tilting Hux’s head to have more access. Their tongues touch and the small man moans softly. He’s doing that again. Ren’s removing the spiderwebs from his mind. Hux whispers between every broken kiss: “Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go…” 

And Ren shakes his head every time he hears it, answering with “I won’t.”

Their lips make noise in the apartment, a beautiful song to their ears. Hux pulls Ren’s shirt, holds him there. Not wanting him to slip from his fingers for one second. Ren kisses his neck, leaving marks of love on the way. Hux pants, feeling dizzy and overwhelmed with emotions. His heart beating like a drum.

“Ren…” he whispers, and tries to pull the brunet back so he can see him. He groans, wrinkling his brow. He needs this. He needs to feel his lover. “I want you to fuck me.“

Ren stops kissing his sensitive neck and stares at him, seeking reassurance. Hux wants to kiss that expression away, knowing he’s questioning if this is okay due to Hux’s state of mind right now. But he needs to  _ feel _ something. He desperately needs a drug.  _ Be my nicotine, goddamnit. _ He growls, clashes their mouths together again and that makes the tall man take things further.

He pulls Hux out of the chair and sets him on top of his thighs, on the floor. The ginger man hugs his lover, catches his scent while burying his nose on the crook of Ren’s neck. He mentally begs, if there is any god out there that created this beautiful human under him, that he can at least remember Ren’s fragrance with his last breath. Let Hux take this memory with him.

Hux pants when he begins to rock their members together, despite their jeans reducing the friction. Ren has his mouth ajar, so he bites and pulls his lips with strength. The moan that crosses the brunet’s mouth is delightful. He quickly moves to unzip Ren’s pants and starts working on his cock, making him fully hard.

When Ren begins to grunt too much, he pulls back his hand. The brunet removes his boxers and pants entirely, following by opening Hux’s own jeans and throwing them across the room. He keeps the blue sweatshirt. The ginger wants to chuckle at that, but it dies in his throat when their cocks touch and he gasps instead. 

Ren’s large hand takes their members and begins to jerk them fast. Hux throws his head back in pleasure and he moans. Fingers sink into Ren’s shoulders and Hux thrusts lightly into his hands. He hungrily seeks for Ren’s gorgeous lips again and gladly slips his tongue inside. He wants to be devoured by this man. Hux pants into Ren’s mouth.

“Fuck me. I told you to  _ fuck me _ , Ren.”

“I plan to do just that, if you could just wait.” He grunts and releases the hold of their members. He makes a movement to get up and a wave of panic suddenly hits Hux, so he holds him there. Wide eyes staring at Ren. “I’m not going to leave, I was just going to get lube.”

“No.” Hux shakes his head and Ren goes back to the small man again. “You’re staying here. I don’t want to. Just… Stay.”

Not waiting for the brunet to protest, Hux puts two of his fingers inside Ren’s mouth. There’s a small pause before the latter starts sucking on them, getting the message. Hux’s retreats his wet fingers to touch his own entrance and begins to open himself. Ren groans and sucks Hux’s neck, lifts his shirt enough to lick his nipples and makes Hux moan in pleasure.

The redhead once again removes his fingers and positions himself on top of Ren’s cock and slowly starts to take him in. When he finally settles down, they are breathing hard and Hux rubs his cheek against Ren’s. Loving to feel full from this man. To be held. To just be. 

He lifts his hips until the head of Ren’s cock nearly slips out, and then sinks down hard, making them gasp with the shock of pleasure mixed with pain. Hux thrusts up and down, holding himself to Ren’s shoulders and they kiss with strength and passion. A string of saliva appears when they pull apart and Hux just grunts at the sight.

Their skin makes noise, flapping against each other and there’s sweat forming on Hux’s forehead. A strong wave spreads in his body when Ren thrusts back in the right spot and he loses sync for a moment. Hux pants into Ren’s mouth, his thighs are shaking. He wants to go deeper and deeper, feel that sweet pain, but the pleasure is too much. It’s too much and he can’t focus on thrusting harder. 

“R-Ren…” He sobs.

The brunet moves fast to place Hux on the floor, completely laying him down. The ginger sighs at the new position and Ren grabs his thighs to get impossibly closer to his lover. Hux moans loud with every thrust, his back moving against the wooden floor. His sweatshirt is curled up because of the movement and Ren suddenly takes hold of Hux’s hand, keeping them above the ginger’s head. 

Hux’s eyebrows knit when that delicious warm wave starts forming below his stomach, and he sobs when Ren is chest-to-chest with him. Foreheads resting against each other. There’s nothing in his mind beside _Kylo._ _Kylo. Kylo._

Ren’s thrusts are erratic now and Hux is a sobbing messy, for once leaving the small feeling of shame aside. He knows he needs it. He needs to hold Ren and never let go.  _ Break me and pull me back together, I beg you. _

When he feels they’re close to their climax, he begins to mumble over and over. “I love you, I love you, I love you  _ so _ much….”

Ren sobs and smiles big at him, his eyes shining. He looks absolutely stunning. “I know, I know. I love you too, so much.” 

Hux closes his eyes when he sees white and loses himself. The shock waves hitting him so hard that he cries a long moan and his toes curl. The brunet releases Hux’s hand to hold his waist, giving a final thrust. He comes in strong shots, filling Hux’s walls completely. The ginger man takes deep breaths, feeling dizzy but content.  _ Yes, this is what makes me happy. This is what I want and need. These memories. This man. Forever. Holding me so I won’t fall. _

Ren breathes into Hux’s neck, both of them lazily lying in the apartment and feeling each other’s skin. Hux is memorizing all his moles and marks of time. His eyes are a little heavy but he refuses to lose this view. The brunet moves to look at him, tucking his redhair behind the ear. “I guess I’m not going to work today,” he says.

A bubble of laughter comes out of Hux’s lips and he scrunches his face, his shoulders shake along with the sound. A thought crosses his mind when he calms down. Like a lamp was lit on top of his head. “I think I know how I’ll end my book…” Hux says in a softly whisper, like a secret.

“Did you have this idea while having sex with me? Should I be offended?” Ren fake-gasps and Hux laughs again, a foreign sound.

“Uh, I’m sorry…?” he says between giggles. 

Ren huffs and grins. “Well, then? What’s it going to be, general?”

The ginger gazes his hazel eyes for a while. Traces the strong features of his lover with the tips of his fingers, just like that night. Long dark eyelashes in contrast to paper skin.  _ Memorize these details _ .  _ Memorize.  _ He holds Ren’s left cheek with one hand, and the other pushes his dark hair away from his face. 

“I’m going to make my character get inside a car. And he’s going to drive far away… he’ll have no plans, no worries to carry in his baggage. He’ll only take his canvas, pencils and paint. Nothing more. And he’ll show his colors to the world.”

Silence falls between them. Only light car noises as background in the streets. A ray of sunshine is shining through their bedroom curtain and Millicent is sleeping on their pillow now, a soft snore. They hold their gaze, brown and green colors blending in. Ren smiles at him, touches his lips with his thumb. “That’s beautiful, Hux.”

They are still smiling when Ren leans to kiss the man. He sighs, almost wanting to cry when he notices how truly calm he feels right now. Like he will really survive this. He’ll hold his ground for Ren. His lover. The beautiful colors that taint his gray world.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Storyboard: https://pinterest.com/sparklepines/just-the-usual-colorful/  
> Find me at strawberry-soo.tumblr.com


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